This may come as a shock to some, but honesty is not always what people want or need to hear. In other words, you don’t have to verbalize every thought that comes to mind. It’s not your plight in life to make sure people know your innermost thoughts. It’s not your place to “offer advice” to your co-worker on her hairstyle or clothes choices or, heaven forbid, husband choices.
I watched a bit of The Golden Globes last night and this whole topic of “honesty” came to mind. Now, I understand there is a certain amount of entertainment value expected from the commentators, but puh-lease. Some of their remarks were not very nice or constructive – at all. It reminded me of a question a Facebook follower sent me a while back. Have a look.
Question: Dear Kate T. Lewis…[Let me just interrupt for a second. Feel free to call me Kate. You don't have to say the T. I know it can be confusing. An interviewer once referred to me as KT throughout an entire TV segment. I've often wondered if she thought I was rapper.] I have a question for you to ponder… listening to a popular radio program yesterday they were asking the question, should you give your friends/family unsolicated criticism especially about the way they look or are dressed? (ie… your dress is just a little too tight, or that hair style you’re going for isn’t working for you) I give it to my husband often, but he never gives it to me — so I ask… should we keep our thoughts to ourselves and let those dear to us look bad, or should we intervene?
Answer: I would ask you this: Does the person dear to you “look bad” because it’s your opinion that what she is wearing isn’t becoming? Or, do they “look bad” because they are struggling with something and it’s affecting their appearance? If your sister shows up at a family dinner looking rumpled and unclean, it’s your duty as someone who cares for her to find out if she’s ok. That’s a very different conversation than if you were to approach her with “your hair looks terrible and you need to iron your shirt.” Rather than unsolicited criticism, that’s inquiring about her well-being. If you are bothered by someone’s appearance because you would simply choose something different…well…there are some things that are none of your business. Great question!!
Got it? Good.
I have a family member who feels she needs to give her opinion on another person’s TV choices, clothing style, and so one. She covers it by saying, “I’m just telling the trust of what I think” and she is.
There definitely is a time to speak up and a time to zip you lips, especially when it’s an unwelcome opinion.
Thanks for your post, Kate.
Girlfriend, a timely word…just left an experience where I saw buyers at the Atlanta Mart doing just that…criticizing, comparing, competing….and it was just as Stephen Covey said…it was like hearing emotional cancers growing as the wildfire conversations spread….contrast that with the group I was behind…enjoying the beauty, noticing the uniqueness, engaging the excellent craftsmanship…what a different spirit of joy was through the same hearts of the buyers in that group…God calls us to think on things lovely..to be thankful…and to allow His will to be done…why do we think its our job to be God of judging others…when we cannot even handle ourselves?
much love to you this fine day!
Sweetie
I could not agree with you more Kate.
If a true friend wants advice, they will feel confident enough to ask you. If it is not a friend or someone you have a strong relationship with, unsolicited advice will probably not get you any closer to developing one. If that is your desire..
What you have advised is what we should all be doing. I have learned in my life and career that there is almost always more going on below the surface.
As fellow human beings we should be reaching out to help with these other parts of their lives, and not criticizing to their face, nor doing it behind their backs. And we should make every effort to call out those who chronically criticize everyone. If we cannot help re-shape this part of their makeup, then we should probably be concerned about what they are saying when we are not around.
To have a friend, you must first be a friend!
Good post.