When someone is the parent in a divorce that doesn’t get the primary custody of the children, every other week is a reminder that the consequences of some mistakes will linger for days or months or years.
Maybe a lifetime.
In a normal month, I see my sons the equivalent of four days. Friday night to Sunday afternoon twice a month. It’s hard enough to go through most of my month with only a few minutes on the telephone with them but when I have to physically drive them back to their mother for 12 days it crushes my soul.
The hour plus drive is hard but at least tolerable because of the noise that comes from the back seat. The sound of video games. Questions about the deadliest snakes in the world. YouTube videos playing on my phone. Requests for chicken and french fries when we drive past any McDonald’s.
It’s the drive back that hasn’t gotten any easier.
The silence in the back seat hurts as much as someone kicking me in the face.
With cleats.
Six inch cleats.
Every glance in the rear view mirror where I don’t see two little heads back there is a reminder of the mistakes of the past.
If you’re not a divorced parent, you may not be able to relate to the powerful feelings that get me twice a month. However, there’s a good chance if you stop and look at your life you’ll find places that you see lasting consequences to decisions. Consequences that come up to bite your soul at the worst possible moments.
Now, I know you’re likely hoping I can tell you a way to get past it.
I can’t because I haven’t been able to get past it.
But I’ll tell you what’s helped me get through those hard moments that won’t go away. I take that time to stop and realize the mistakes that cause the pain I may be feeling are lessons that I learned to improve myself going forward for myself, my friends, my family, my co-workers and my church.
As long as you’re not like the puppies of Proverbs 26:11, you’ll be able to move forward using that technique and avoid adding to the list of unending consequences.
What consequences do you have to repeatedly face in your life?
The consequences and the choices. As a divorced and remarried mom, I am so aware of the truth of your words. The choices though are also a part of it. When we past the divorce, when the decision is final there are still choices. Choices to live near, or far, choices to skype or not, choices to work with our ex spouses to work out a call schedule and figure out how to allow the children to have us all. One of the lessons I learned early on was for my children, every day was too much, it was too hard, and limited how they could function. Dad calling every night at bedtime was hard, starting the day with Dad calling to wake them up on their cell worked well. Every family and age of child is different…. We had to try and ask regularly what worked for the child and the other parent. They need us all. For those of you who are not divorced. Try reframing getting through “I can’t do this the rest of my life” to “I can get through this today” …for divorce IS the rest of your life…and it costs the children dearly. Period.
Thanks for your addition, Sweetie. It’s a real challenge to all of us in this situation.