Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace are fun for people to connect, share information, and learn. They are also used to vent, laugh, and promote. But they can also be dangerous for marriages.
Have you heard that 1 in 5 divorces were facilitated by Facebook? My brother’s divorce was fueled by inappropriate interactions on Facebook. While the “how” for this 20% statistic is a little less clear, there are some good ideas for “why” this is the case.
1. Social networking takes time. For most of us, social networking involves understanding how it all works, how to apply it, and getting more “friends” or “followers.” We like seeing what other people are doing, and we like to stay connected with people, particularly those we seldom see, through social networking.
2. Social networking can be addictive. Have you ever felt that rush from someone “liking” or retweeting your post? Has someone you admired or respected taken an interest in your posts? That emotion is fed by endorphins, which are chemicals that make us feel good. The more we experience that sensation, the more we feel we need it. If you’ve ever been so engaged in social networking that you find that the day is gone (and you weren’t even aware of the time), you just may be addicted to social networking. Coming off or away from that “high” can take a lot of your energy.
3. Social networking lets you be yourself—or somebody else, for that matter. There’s something about being that person and the freedom it gives to brand yourself as the person you feel you are or want to become. And everyone wants to be accepted and important.
4. Social networking can distort your image of your marriage. If you are active with social networking, you probably have gobs of people telling you how smart, cool, and/or beautiful you are every few minutes. You start to wonder why your own spouse isn’t giving you that same level of attention or recognition.
5. Social networking can make you feel lonely. Yes, you read that right. Those who are the most invested and involved in social networking tend to feel more lonely than those who aren’t involved in social networking. Perhaps it’s the recognition that online relationships, which appear better than the real thing, still cannot replace the real thing.
In my upcoming book, “Growing Your Marriage By Leaps and Boundaries,” I write about the role of boundaries with social networking. Here are just a few boundary recommendations from the book:
1. The Boundary of Time. Set yourself a time limit with being on social networking sites. When the timer goes off, you’re done. Make it a loud timer/alarm.
2. The Boundary of Disclosure. Do not write or say anything on social networking sites that you wouldn’t tell your spouse. Just as important, talk to your spouse about your activities on social networking and give your spouse full access to your posts. Be clear in your posts about who your spouse is and of your commitment to that marriage.
3. The Boundary of Compliments. Do not give anyone of the opposite sex a compliment that your spouse would feel uncomfortable with or that should be reserved for your spouse.
4. The Boundary of Expectations. Remind yourself that, unless you and your spouse are networking online with others frequently, it may be impossible for your spouse to give you the frequent level of attention you may get online. Question assumptions about marriages and relationships to determine whether they are right for your marriage.
5. The Boundary of Friends and Followers. If you ever get the impression that someone’s interest in you (or that your interest in them) exceeds where you feel is appropriate, be clear about your loyalty and admiration for your spouse and strongly consider deleting that person from your networking circle.
I’m not opposed to social networking, but I also see how dangerous social networking CAN be. Consider your own boundaries, and talk with your spouse about which ones you want to keep, revise, or add. You’ll “like” working together as your marriage becomes more atwitter.
