Would You Eat Your Own Toenails If It Improved Your Marriage?

There are certain things that gross me out. Watching people clip their toenails is one of them. I don’t know why, but the combination of the “click” sound and seeing toenails dart into places where people can’t find them or won’t look for them is extremely gross. I know everyone has to clip their toenails, but seriously, it’s gross.

Would I eat my own toenails if it would improve my marriage?
What would I really do to prove my love, commitment, and admiration for my spouse? Perhaps I should get advice about what to do or say from “love songs.” Want to hear a secret?—I love love songs. I’m a romantic. So let’s see what they recommend. Here are my Top 5. Drum roll please. . .

5. Three Times a Lady, by The Commodores. (“You’re once, twice, three times a lady. And I love you.”)
I’ve always loved this song, and learned how to play it on the piano when I was a teenager. I even played it for my sister and her husband’s wedding reception. Admittedly, I have no idea what “once, twice, three times a lady” even means! I’m afraid if I say it to my wife she’ll think I think she’s wears a large dress size. Okay, this one is now on my do-not-use list.

4. (Everything I do) I do it for you, by Bryan Adams. (“Look into my eyes, and you’ll see what you mean to me. . . You know it’s true. Everything I do, I do it for you.”)
I like this song a lot too. But “everything?” “Hey Honey—let me show you how much I love you by watching this football game!” Someone let me know if this works for you, because I’m looking to buy a large-screen TV. . . because I love my wife, of course.

3. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrill. (“Ain’t no mountain high enough. Aint’ no valley low enough. Ain’t no river wide enough, to keep me from getting to you.”)
A total classic. I almost feel like I’m in heaven when I listen to the song. But if I’d re-write it for my marriage, it’d say something like, “Ain’t no dish pile high enough, ain’t no toilets low enough, ain’t no phone bills big enough. . . “ Of course, I don’t think those lyrics would sell.

2. Always on My Mind, by Willie Nelson. (“Maybe I didn’t love you quite as good as I could have. And maybe I didn’t treat you quite as good as I should have. But you were always on my mind.”)
Okay, so the next time I treat my wife the way I shouldn’t have, I’m going to tell her at least she was on my mind. Something tells me that’s not going to work very well.

1. Grenade, by Bruno Mars. (“You know I’ll do anything for ya. I’d jump in front of a train for you.”)
Do I really have to offer a critique for these lyrics?

Again, I REALLY like music, and I even like each of these songs. But I think I’ll have to think of some specific, attainable, and useful ways to show my love for my spouse. So the next time you hear a love song, ask yourself, “Would I eat my own toenails if it improved my marriage?”

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